#i feel like i'm not close to basically anyone
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House and Wilson match each others freak on a dangerous level. A lot of the things I find with queer romance is the sudden relief of "permission" or "they like me back, holy shit!"
Imagine that but with 12+ years of mutual Repression and pining, and both being freaks (affectionate). I can imagine house practically swooning over what wilson describing what he'd do to him, or they'd do together on various surfaces, and vise versa.
And maybe house would like being one of the only people who knows how freaky wilson is, and Wilson likes how secretly a sap house is. Secret sides they only show each other.
Yes yes yes yes yes ALL OF THIS!!! they match each other's freak in ways never before seen. In ways illegal in many parts of the world. In ways that are downright disturbing and would probably be unhealthy if they weren't the only two ppl in the world that can handle each other.
Once they allow themselves to be fully open with each other, the levels of freakiness would be unprecedented and catastrophic. They always knew about the freakiness/softness that they were hiding from each other, but to actually experience it after all those years of slowly unearthing what lies beneath..... it's something else. It would be so disruptive that cuddy has no choice but to give them like a week off just to tire themselves out and be semi-acceptible in public.
I feel like wilson would have that sense of "relief" big time. House was always as close as he could get to being himself, but even then he held back bc he didn't think he had "permission" to release that freaky sexual energy on him. But once he can and he realizes that house enjoys it no matter how freaky he gets....oh boy..... Like Wilson pulls House to the side and whispers in his ear, he looks angry and he's holding House by his shirt so tightly that it stretches and wrinkles the material when he lets go. And house. House is uh. 😵💫🥴🥺🤤 <- that's him. He's snail-trailing it out of there before anyone anyone sees him tenting his jeans.
This is basically how those freaks are at home:
Wilson: "If you don't quit being annoying, I'm going to suspend you naked from the ceiling like a chandelier, House. I swear to god."
House nuzzling against him like a cat, literally purring: "Yeah? You promise? Will you use the cattle prod too? 😍"
Wilson, petting his hair: "Not unless you earn it."
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Look, I love friend-coded relationships in fiction and all but not every platonic dynamic, especially those who are teens or young people need to be friends e.g. best friends or close friends, intimate friends etc.
Sometimes they can be stuff like companions, mentor and mentee, ride-or-die allies, forced to work together, roommates etc.
It can be even a couple who loves each other without any sex or romance included without being necessarily aroace. They live without love but they care for each other feeling a sense of ease. They don’t see each other’s everything, they don’t prioritize their relationship constantly but have a sense of respect. Platonic lovers are a thing. or it can even be just companions who share a soulful connection.
Perceiving that every platonic or non-romantic relationship is basically a familial relationship or a friend relationship or even a qpr honestly pushes me on the edge driving forward the idea that any relationship that is romantic or non platonic can only be spouses or partners which is not true and somehow and reeks of amatonormativity.
Tl;dr platonic dynamics can be pretty interesting and nuanced without being friend-coded in some way. Romance dynamics can be pretty intriguing without being conjugal-coded.
Disclaimer: I'm NOT saying that you can't enjoy familial or friend relation or classic romance. The problem lies in believing every platonic relationship has to be friendship in some way with no other alternative, which is the focal point I’m talking about.
And this is coming from a non aro who wants to see more non-romantic dynamics in media that aren't just boiled down to 'family-coded' ones. I love romance in fiction and anything about love but not every amorous dynamic has to be related to couples.
however that’s just my opinion. wish you a good day to anyone ❤️
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#mod ozzie#our arospec experience#arospec#aromantic#lgbtqia+#aro#queer#aro pride#tw romance#tw platonic
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my blog is basically a ghost town so like the pick me i think i am i'm gonna rant 😋
#i hate everything lately#first i get into a whole mess with some guy older than me#then i cried about my teacher and mom saying things about my hair??#then i get worried when i go to piano classes cause what if i mess up#and lately it's either my friends will talk to me or no one will#i got my period so everyone i get an emotion kick idk if it's from that or me#every single day i just feel like crying lately and idk why#i don't want to fall into another mental health spiral again#but god fuck everything is making it so hard#i just want to be with my irl friends#not just them but in school#i feel so much better there#not that all of you don't i love you all#but i have a sister who isn't even that interested in my rants sometimes#i have friends that i can talk to but i'll he drowned out#i feel like i'm not close to basically anyone#i feel like suck a pick me all the time i complain and it's fucking annoying#cause that's not what I'm trying to achieve i just want to be liked#i hate social media cause I get followers and views aren't important#but when i do something i love and no one sees it of course i won't care anymore#i want to abandon it all so bad but i can't because i know things will get better#but for now all i want to do is curl up into a ball and scream to taylor swift#i need a hug honestly.
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I see a lot of sentiment within techum spaces about not understanding how tech actually works and considering tech divine or whatever and like. I really do get it's pretty intimidating, but you can learn how your machines work. In fact I think a lot of you would appreciate your objects even more than you do by learning about how they actually function. Demystify tech in your minds NOW!!!
#I mean. it is pretty intimate yknow. learning how your object actually works#i think it mostly does people harm to just consider their tech some divine unknowable creation.#i feel like it's dehumanising in some way a little also. like real people make tech and real peoples lives are affected by it#humanity is so closely intertwined with the development and creation of tech. yeah#I. need to go to bed very badly I'm so so tired asdfdhshsd. but it's been on my mind#i love learning about puters it strengthens my love and appreciation for em. maybe give it a shot#i know maybe it's easy for me to say having been in tech courses and learning basically my whole life but the resources are out there#this is my british showing sorry but like. craig'n'dave and mrbrowncs on youtube basically carried my entire compsci GCSE assdhh.#also some parts of my computing BTEC really god. asdhsdhdsh#and that's on youtube!! for anyone!!! for free!!!#go exploring!!! there's sooo much out there!!!!#objectum#techum#android.txt
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#We've had our yearly secret santa gifts exchange at my dorm and I've been gifted the first volume of Beast 😭😭😭😭😭#I'm crying forever. This december marks three years since I've watched the first b/sd episode#and yet this is the first time I actually own a b/sd manga volume. Like I own it and I can read it whenever I want!!! How cool is that!!!!!#Like there's so many Akutagawa images in it!!!! It's insane!!!!!!!! AND IT'S BEAST AT THAT#I'm deeply moved because I never spoke about it to virtually anyone here (at my dorm)?#Like I suppose a bunch of people vaguely know I like anime but only a couple of close friends know I like. Like-like reading manga lol.#And the person who gifted it DEFINITELY didn't know I like anime in general much less b/sd specifically much less Beast in particular!!!!!#I'm 100% sure (they just arrived this year and we hadn't even had that much occasions to talk to each other).#Which means they went through the trouble of gathering intel from my close friends about what I like and actually follow through‚#seek for the specific manga in a comic store etc... It's such a nice gesture I'm so heartwarmed.#And of course I'm glad for every gift I've received in the last years (genuinely)‚ but the fact that this was the most *specific* to what–#I like. It makes it so special! They were so kind.#There must be one (1) person in this whole 60 people dorm who knows I like Beast–#(that would be the girl who introduced b/sd to me in the first place) and the fact that they asked them for it...#I feel both very grateful and lucky lol#When I unwrapped it!!! Like I thought it was just a random book which would have been nice but like!!!!!#When I actually saw through the thin paper the cover!!!! The scream I screamed in my head#Anyways!!!! I own a b/sd manga now!!!!! I've only got time to go through the first chapter so far but it's suchhhh an experience.#It's like reading it for the first time again 😭😭😭 Half because the translation is so much different than the English one lol.#And I basically know the English version by heart. Half because I never saw this kind of high quality!!!!! It's!!!!! Insane!!!!! Like!!!!!!#I'm crying 😭😭😭 The drawings are so sharp and crisp (in the good way). The lines are so clean there's no disturbance at all#I literally never saw anything so good in my life I'm crying a little. I'm so so glad they blessed me with Beast specifically#The takebon edition is pretty cheap (it's just planet manga so there's no color illustrations or dust cover or anything unfortunatelly.#But to make up for it the volumes are significantly cheaper then let's say J-Pop)#There's also some unique typesetting choices? The text from the book-like boxes is in lowercase which is interesting!#Initially I thought I wouldn't have liked the translation (opening it randomly there was Akutagawa saying “crepa!” (“die!”) to Dazai in ch1#Which was kinda jarring since it's very low register and everyone knows Akutagawa has very complex speech patterns.)#But actually reading it I'm really enjoying the translation so far!!!!#There's so many choices that made me grasp details I actually missed all the times I've read the English translation.#That is to say! Very excited to read it!!!! Will probably make a review / translation commentary if I can find the time!!!!!
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I don't hate my job or anything, but man, being a float educator is so fucking thankless
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infinite wealth if sawashiro said "who gives a shit about ebina im going to hawaii with ichi" and then the rest of the game is a family vacation
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#Ok so here's my dream scenario. It starts w kicking kiryu out of the narrative bc girl. I love the guy but he does not need to be here!!#kicking him out of the narrative also banishes the ebina stuff. I'm still keeping him around but#he'll be basically built up to be the main antagonist of 9. We're ONLY focusing on the cult stuff for 8#the way 8 closes him off is already sequel bait so give him a proper focus game w 9#Anyways now that that's out of the way. My worstie sawashiro does indeed become a party member.#His moveset is mostly blade damage w some blunt damage mixed in. YES I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT GAME MECHANICS#His singular elemental move is him flicking a cigarette at the enemy. Yes this is based off of that one scene w ichi in 7#ANYWAYS I HAVE MANY IDEAS I CANT TYPE THEM ALL OUT RN BUT. FAMILY VACATION ARC. PLEASE#ITS INSANE TO ME HOW KASUGA 'I LOVE MY FAMILY' ICHIBAN WAS NOT ALLOWED TO PROPERLY INTERACT W HIS FAMILY???#AND THE MAJORITY OF SAWASHIROS CONFLICT INCLUDED CAST MEMBERS WHO DIDNT GIVE A SINGLE SHIT ABOUT HIM????#I keep thinking back on that scene where ebina shows him passed out on that chair and THE INTENDED AUDIENCE FOR#THAT SCENE WAS AN OCEAN AWAY LIKE GIRL. WHAT WAS THE POINT???#well another perspective of that scene would be that sawashiro would be glad that ichi wasn't the one that came to rescue. which is. Misery#me when characters are defined by their guilt 💥💥💥💥😵💥💥💥😵💫💥💥💥😱💥💥💥💥😫💥💥💥#Well. If y'all read all these tags. thanks. If anyone is curious about this self indulgent au that I've created feel free to hit me up#(Please hit me up I'm desperate to talk abt the arakawa family misery and I deeply wish this game was even more miserable)#rgg#nile talks
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#there should be an option to hang out/go partying on halloween but not wear a costume because you just literally don't have any interest#in wearing a costume#and in that option there should be a whole world of people who say nothing about it and do not care#and don't make you feel joyless and annoying for not wanting to wear a costume#why did we invent a holiday where the barrier of entry is to do work and spend money in order to be Extra Looked At#forgive me but literally nothing sounds less fun than a regular night out with the addition of like#a hundred interactions where someone looks closely at you and says what are you#and you repeat the same phrase or word to every one of them#like the reason i wear neutral colors and basic shapes at all times is because i have Zero interest#in fact Negative Interest#in people staring at what I'm wearing and formulating opinions about it#ppl are so lame when i tell them i don't care for halloween too#they're like omg u just don't like being perceived ����🤪 big mood hehe#and i'm like no i actually don't care for anyone perceiving or being perceived in this context#it is just generally lame and makes social interactions eighty percent more awkward
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"was there a reason you didn't cancel this" honestly I thought I had so no there wasn't a reason but also if clients are going to have Your personal number and reach out to You about canceling (when they Should be reaching out via email per our cancelation policy) then You should be canceling the appt anyway imo. all the other trainers cancel their appointments AND add their appointments to the system 🤪
#noah.txt#also I do realize my annoyance is unwarranted but also I'm sosososo tired of this job#she's thinking about closing down for a month for renos and she's not going to pay anyone for that month#and she's not sure if she's going to set it up where we can file unemployment or if she's going to#make us be freelancers under the company name#also she booked an appt but didn't put it in the system and didnt Tell Me and someone put in a booking request for that day/time#and it's frustrating b/c the whole reason she wanted clients to be able to book via the online portal is to#make my job easier/more automated but it's not easier when I'm having to email 5 clients because she cant be fucked to learn the system#then I'm talking to a coworker about how my doctor said I need to get my stress down#and she has the AUDACITY to ask me if she's contributing to the stress#like... yeah you're like the primary stressor in my life because I got hired for an hourly position 2 years ago#yet you treat me like I'm a salary employee who is supposed to be on call#and yeah it's frustrating and stressful to feel like I can never fully relax b/c you might need something#and it's even more frustrating when the things she needs she'll call me about. I won't answer b/c I'm busy#then I'll call her back and she'll be like ''oh I looked for it after I got voicemail''#okay so you don't THINK to do a little investigating before calling me during my time off?#very funny to me that I've been in a therapy session talking about her and she will call me (I do not answer)#my job was not and is not to be a personal assistant yet that is the position I've been forced into#and quite frankly I do not get paid enough to deal with being a personal assistant to#an immature people pleasing 34 year old woman who lacks basic empathy and doesn't give a shit about her employees#like I wanted to like her! I want to like her! she's gay and Jewish! but she also stinks of white rich kid privilege#also she's having a baby with her wife and this is a baby she actively does not want and a baby they're having to fix their marriage#which is a very tough thing for me to watch from the sidelines#she also is always picking apart peoples appearances and shes also told me she would probably leave her wife if she grew her hair out#anyway there's a lot more on a personal and professional level but my break is over
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I never realize how unevenly pigmented my skin is until someone has to put me in makeup lol
#like for starters i'm already pale as fuck. like so pale i'm basically translucent and you can see all my veins#but then there are these blotchy areas around my eyes and mouth that are even paler#it's really subtle so it doesn't matter a whole lot. but when you're trying to color match it definitely complicates things#and then i've got these patchy little freckles across my nose and cheeks. also hard to notice unless you're way up close#but anyone putting me in makeup is way up close. and very quickly starts wondering why i look so flat when they're colormatching at first#and at first i look really pink/red but when you actually try to match my skin tone i'm so blue undertoned i look undead#so it's just. an experience for anyone trying to match my skin tone for a prosthetic#my classmate today is good at colormatching so it wasn't too bad but i feel bad for the girl who put me in a bald cap last semester
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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youtube
exene talking about the state of the world. the good stuff starts at eight minutes. or you can just read the transcript complete with the usual errors that accompany robot transcribed speech (the irony of which is not lost on me). maybe it's not about transhumanism and living forever (or maybe it is who knows), but there's definitely an agenda of surveillance and control at work which is designed to keep the powerful in power. cash rules everything around me and you will own nothing etc. the future is worse.
#google has helpfully flagged this as a 'conspiracy theory' which let me know it was definitely worth paying attention to#sometimes a conspiracy theory turns out to be flatearth-tier but anything those in control are putting effort into discrediting#concerns me and makes me look deeper. if they're going to the effort to control the discourse there's something there that#threatens them. anything google calls a conspiracy theory is worth a closer look. it often means someone has gotten too close to the truth.#she's brave to be talking about this shit they basically cancelled her and forced her to apologize for talking about how they want#to take our guns and the media is lying to you and stirring up fear so they can get away with passing gun control#like wtf leftists should be all about gun rights. a disarmed population is totally at the mercy of the state's authority#it's not very punk to surrender entirely to regimes in power and let the only people with guns be the police#like c'mon guys we need guns. and it's like drugs. they exist anyway. better they do so in broad daylight than in the shadows#they let adam curits talk about this stuff for some reason and no one calls him a conspiracy theorist idk why but there's a reason#i guess his stuff is not a threat to them bc it's dense and heady and seven hours long so the masses will never absorb it#ex punk rocker yelling about new world order in plain language monologues of digestible length is a much bigger threat#i swear there are secretly fifty people in control of everything and their entire aim is to make sure it stays that way no matter what#but it's really gross how obvious it's getting like the whole system just funnels money straight to the top and they don't even care#about hiding it anymore they're just doing it out in open and denying objective reality with confidence it's too much sometimes#i swear i can feel my grasp on reality deteriorating. it's as if there were a loud buzzing in the out of doors that was getting#louder every day and nobody ever said anything to acknowledge that it was real nobody talked about hearing the buzzing but it just#keeps getting louder and i'm finally like wtf is with this buzzing and everyone gets mad at me for shouting over their netflix show#that they weren't really enjoying in the first place. like no one is happy in the modern world. why can't we talk about why without#turning against each other. that's why doug saying 'maybe we're all the same' is such a big deal to me. anyone who is trying to unite us#is doing important work. that trump supporter is not the enemy. they are the victim just like you.
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#[sharp inhale]#I will not argue with people on the internet about how the tv industry works I will not argue with people on the internet about how the tv#like. here's the fucking problem. every time you try to talk about business models of tv and why certain things are different than others#it's just impossible cuz no one wants to operate under the assumption that tv is in fact a business from start to finish#and there are better and worse versions of that#and right now we have the WORST version of that#down to 'a strike has been considered every single damn time contract terms are up for review'#like tv has always been a business and that has give and take but you have to start at that basic understanding#the fact that showrunners are now begging people to watch immediately is a symptom that regular people are feeling#but it is WAY larger than that. and creators of all types and actors and below the line folks need to fucking eat.#which means you HAVE to acknowledge that this is a business and then regulate it as such#but you get can't do that cuz internet leftists will be like 'um all government intervention in art is morally horrible—'#yeah go fuck yourself. you sound like an right wing asshat building a backyard militia.#'but megs!' you say. 'no one yet suggested that today!'#yeah cuz I'm not starting the fucking discussion BECAUSE every time anyone has the leftists crawl out of the woodwork#to rebrand what are basically altright talking points to fit their narratives.#sorry but if you try to go 'this should just be way less regulated and everyone should do what they want'#you are giving the state and the market free reign to steamroll over whomever it likes. and I can tell you who they'll go after first.#anyway. idk who you are or what that is. ama closed.
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can you get burnout from doing nothing
#or am i going through a mental breakdown. based on the symptoms matching whatever the past week has had going on#unless it was caused by trying to socialise online#which i am so bad at and i guess seeing other people easily be all friends with each other kind of made my brain go 😨😱😖🤯#<- along with various other surrounding emojis#i'm stuck at uni rn bc my band has 2 gigs coming up + rehearsals so i have to be here. but there is nothing to do except Think#but yeah there was the alienated fandom feeling bc idk it always feels like everyone speaks to each other in dms and has all this like#lore with each other and i have no idea what's going on#and trying to actually interact is soooooooo exhausting and i always feel like i'm too slow or behind everyone else and yeah#and then camp weehawken began and i couldn't even deal with seeing everyone doing that and all knowing each other really well and idk#so i just left tumblr briefly. bc of everything. bc i'm irrational#basically the worst feeling is when you have friends in a fandom but then your hyperfixation starts to wear off and turns out they weren't#close friends they were fandom mutuals. btw this isn't about anyone in particular this has happened for most fandoms i've been in#it was more of a sudden realisation that's been creeping up on me for years. so to deal with the fading hyperfixation i just had to Go#and now i'm obsessed with threads. which has like no fandom. so at least the hyperfixation fadeout will be easier to deal with lol#but yeah it's that sort of feeling when you finish at some place and you make some friends but once you leave you never talk to them again#and knowing you didn't really leave a strong enough impact on them that they still wanna keep in contact with you#pretty much like that#at the same time though there's nothing to do atm so maybe i am just bored and overthinking#but still it's annoying to go through especially when it's happened for almost every experience in my life#also like I'd occasionally log back into tumblr to see what's going on but i'd see people liking posts on the swag archive and it's like#cool at least people like the archives :') but anyone could've done those#idk it's like i have to do something like that for people to actually care and as soon as i'm not contributing anything then i'm just#forgettable or something#i wanna come back to tumblr but idk if my brain is ready for that dsjkljf. i told myself i'd only come back when things feel stable#but also i'm impatient lol#again this isn't about anyone specific my brain just LOVES to malfunction it's actually its favourite pasttime <3#but either way if i seem really negative lately or just. weird. it's just my brain being its classic overdramatic self#i mean the thoughts are very real and based on vaguely true evidence but also my brain loves to exaggerate things to sabotage my life#i'm hitting tag limit so anyway. at least threads isn't happening rn so that's pretty good#ramble
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#arrrggh#i have a MRSA infection and it hurts soooo much#y'all it looked NASTY#It's draining now but dear lorde#i showed it to my mom and she said it made it look kind of like my pin up bride of Frankenstein tattoo had a hair piece 🤮🤮🤮#ew! it's so red around it too y'all i can't#before anyone worries i get these all the time btw. I'm dealing with it i get ointment prescribed because i get it so frequently#usually that does the trick but i do go to the doctor if it gets worse instead of better it just usually goes away when i use the ointment#i did end up on antibiotics a few times ago though that's how i found out i was allergic to bactrim#fun fact if you get mrsa once you basically have it for life#so once this goes away my doctor told me i could try decolonizing my skin but that's going to suck hard#a week and a half of hibicleanse baths and i have to put the ointment up my nose twice a day while i do the baths#so idk if I'll even bother like yeah there are super annoying because they are very painful ESPECIALLY if you have to get one lanced#but that's just so much work#i had one lanced on my butt when i was a kid and that is one of the most painful experiences I've EVER had in my life#it already hurt to sit it hurt a lot#but after the numbing wore off? i was screaming and crying in my siblings lap in the car on the way home#i literally can feel the pain getting close to 20 years later if i remember it hard enough
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Search History // Poly!141 x Reader
A continuation of this thought
Summary: Reader (based loosely on Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds) has to be face-to-face with the boys for the first time since they started including her in their late-night fantasies. They've decided it's time to take it off-screen and move in IRL.
I'm taggin the peeps who replied to the last part bc I'm desperate for attention lol (in all actuality y'all really encouraged me to actually write thank you!!)
CW: allusions to porn, allusions to female genitalia, they're all horny in the workplace, this is basically workplace harassment but we're excusing it because they're hot and fictional and I say so, no outright smut
Still nsfw though so MDNI pls and thanks
“The 141 just touched down. ETA twenty minutes.”
Your eyes flicked up from the muted video on your monitor, cheeks flushed red but masked by the light radiating off your screen in your dark office. Thank God, your monitor faced away from the door. A young private was standing in the doorway with a tablet, looking at you for an acknowledgment, probably running about starting preparations for their arrival back on home base.
“Thank you, private.” You murmured, teeth toying at your thumbnail, chipping the polish. The young soldier gave a short nod at the quiet dismissal and disappeared once again. Your eyes, with embarrassingly blown pupils, flicked back to the video.
After your discovery two weeks ago, the sites and links you had to review furthered down the rabbit hole. And this video you were currently watching had been one that all the men had been visiting, and revisiting, and revisiting…
By god, they’d done it.
Similar build, skin tone only a shade or two different - you could probably share foundation and it wouldn’t look too bad. Hair and eye color so close it was uncanny. And when the woman looked over her shoulder at the mountain of a man hitting it from the back, the angle made the resemblance almost scarily uncanny. The Had you had a porn career and simply forgotten?- kind of uncanny.
Sure there were differences- she was a little taller, maybe a bit leaner, with boobs that had definitely had some work done. Tattoos where your skin was bare and vice versa, different piercings. Her voice was pitched different, and her accent was completely different from yours but within three minutes of the video she’d stopped speaking words, so accent didn’t matter much. But as far as porn actresses went- she might as well be your twin.
It seemed the 141 had perused her entire.. filmography. Different videos, different scenarios, different partners. They all had videos they seemed to like better than others. Soap seemed to particularly like the POV video where the man had a thick Scottish accent. Gaz had bookmarked a soft-core bondage and forced orgasm scene. Price, a shorter video of an unseen man pushing the actress under a desk for oral, and Ghost… the only link he’d visited was your instagram. It was hard not to let it stroke your ego a little bit.
God, if you told anyone about this… They’d tell you to file a workplace harassment suit, and maybe a police report. To start job hunting, and therapist hunting. Distance yourself. You should have been embarrassed or uncomfortable- you knew you should be. That you should feel objectified or disrespected, disgusted.
But hell, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t send yourself the links and watched them in your free time at home. It was hot- turned you on in an almost concerning way that would set feminism back twenty years if you told anyone.
The video kept playing on your monitor, one of the videos that Soap had visited more than once (little did you know it was one that Ghost had picked out). A gloved hand smoothly glided down the actress's spine before curving around her throat and pulling her upright on the man’s lap, filthy praises in a British accent playing through your single AirPod.
“Holy shit…” You muttered, thighs clenching because if you squinted it really did look like you, even some of her mannerisms. And the rough accent was like a mix of Ghost's and Price’s.
Abruptly, you shut down the entire monitor completely, ripping out the AirPod and tossing it on the desk. Pressing slightly shaking hands to your too hot face. You needed to get it together, because Price was your boss and the others were your superiors. They’d been gone for a month and a half, and it’d been your voice in their ears guiding them through missions, and you knew you had a flirty disposition, especially from the private safety of your dark little office half way across the world.
It made sense that their wires got a little crossed, but your wires- like those off all your monitors and hardware- needed to stay neatly organized and separate. Focus. Focus.
Your nails were bitten to the quick, the bitter taste of old nail polish on the back of your tongue. The skin around your nails was raw from your teeth toying with it as your so intensely focussed on the videos. You needed to get out of this too small, too hot room. Which is how you found yourself, twenty minutes later, in the communal break room fighting with the vending machine. It was withholding the ice cold water you were desperate for, despite your curses and attempts to jostle the machine. Right as you delivered a frustrated kick to the machine-
“Just the bird we were looking for!”
It was Kyle’s voice first, that tipped you off to the herd of men entering the space. You almost jumped out of your skin- brain flitting through several scandalous snippets of the videos he’d replayed. His smile was dazzling as always as he came into view, tapping the yellow warning stickers that instructed people not to jostle the machine, with the little illustration of the stick man getting crushed, “What’d the machine ever do to you? It might start fighting back.”
A gloved hand reached between the two of you, skeleton fingers curled into a fist that delivered a blunt strike, and, like magic, the water bottle fell in to the receptacle. You peeked over your shoulder at Ghost, standing just slightly too close and looking down at you intensely, but not meanly. An easy to miss bit of mirth that was usually reserved for Soap. Thank god you’d bitten your nails to stubs or they would’ve drawn blood from how they were digging into your palms to distract you from the gloved hands and the brutish display of strength.
Kyle put the drink sweetly in your hands after cracking it for you, like he would do when bringing Ghost or Price something, eyes twinkling like he knew something you didn’t. Another hand, warm and large clapped gently on your shoulder, pulling you back a step, almost directly into Captain Price’s chest.
The men shared a look over your head before focussing back on you.
“Your intel was good.” It was a simple statement, but delivered in a warm, proud tone that felt so much like praise that your stomach flipped a bit, with that warm smile that made him look soft despite the fact he was still in full tac-gear, “They didn’t even see us coming.”
“They never see you coming, that’s kind of your whole thing.” You tried a joke, your voice a touch strained. His hand was lingering, right on the curve where your shoulder became your neck, fingers flexing into the flesh just so. Just like it did on the boys when he thought others wouldn’t noticed. focus, focus, focus.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, it was Soap that interrupted the kneading of Price’s fingers.
“Don’t be so modest, bonnie!” He was laughing as large arms caught you around the waist, lifting and spinning you slightly. His voice so similar to that one Scottish co-star that had done such filthy things to your lookalike, it made your head spin. Despite your startled yelp and squirming, his grip didn’t waver, “Couldn’t of done it without our lass in the chair.”
“ ’nough, Johnny,” Ghost called firmly, leaning against the vending machine that they’d all but cornered you against, “Put ‘er down.”
Soap’s laugh was still good natured as he set you on your feet again, a little roughly for the heels you had on to match your skirt, you wobbled only for Ghost himself to steady you, giving you another intense look, that you had trouble meeting, “ 'e’s right though. Intel was good.”
They were all staring at you, varying degrees of smirks, eyes a spectrum of mischief and something that was dizzyingly close to hunger. Unable to keep still, you were squirming, shifting your weigh from foot to foot, fiddling with the wrapper on the bottle. You found your eyes flitting around settling anywhere but their own gaze, cheeks feeling hot, mind full of vile images that you knew they’d seen and enjoyed- ceiling, the exit sign, Johnny’s tac-vest, the floor, the water bottle in your hands. You gulped, eyebrows raising as you puffed a breath, trying desperately to reign yourself in.
“Glad to be of service.” You smiled tightly, nodding meeting each set of eyes briefly and hoping your foundation masked your blush (it didn’t). Jesus Christ, you couldn’t do this. You couldn’t tell if you felt turned on or awkward or both, but you needed to go. Preferably before you did something that would cost you your job. Your voice was rushed as you squeezed between Gaz and Price, double timing it to the exit, “Enjoy your leave, boys, you deserve it.”
As you all but fled the building, you typed out a mass base-wide memo email, language formal as you professionally reminded every soldier, specifically four of them, that any website visited by government devices was subject to internal review.
You swore you could hear them laughing as the memo went out. But maybe that was just your overactive imagination.
____
You’d gone home for the evening, and then clocked back in the following morning. Surprised to find all of the 141 was still there, debriefing must have ran long.
“Morning, love.” It was Kyle that greeted you, pressing a cup of coffee into your hands. He looked tired but happy to see you. Soap was with him, eyes bright and grin wide as he whistled lowly, fingers tugging at the hem of your skirt as you passed his seat.
“Looking good, bonnie,” He smiled devilishly, rubbing the fabric between his fingers before letting go, “Tired of all the green, black, and beige tac gear. Missed seeing something a little… softer.”
You somewhat doubted that. He seemed to appreciate military khaki when it hugged Gaz’s ass, and he sure didn’t seem to mind an all black tactical ensemble when it was on Ghost. But the compliment still brought heat up your neck, which you coupled with a sip of the hot coffee Gaz had brought you- fixed perfectly the way you liked it. It elicited a pleased sigh as you swallowed, humming in content.
“Price wants to see you before we all leave. Brought you some new stuff to work on.” Kyle smiled, watching how your expression softened at the taste of the beverage, clearly proud of himself for drawing out that reaction.
“A present? For me?” You smiled sarcastically back at the prospect of more work added to you caseload, “It’s like Christmas.”
“You been good this year?” Kyle grinned back, accompanied by Soap chiming, voice low and chiding, “Nah, she’s definitely been naughty.”
Both Sergeant’s shared a look as you almost choked on another sip of coffee.
“I’m leaving now.” You shook your head, turning on your heel away from where they were hanging around the rec room, clearly waiting for Price to dismiss them, “Y’all should shower. Or take a nap.”
“You want us naked?” Kyle questioned, raising his eyebrows at you, leaning back against the wall, standing so very close to Soap, who was sprawled out in his chair, long legs splayed and spread before him as he waggled his eyebrows. “And in bed?”
Now that was some imagery. Taking the lord’s name in vain you didn’t dignify that with a response other than a huffed, “Leaving now.”
____
The good thing about Price and Ghost was they were business first. So if you really focussed you could almost ignore Ghost's thigh pressed against yours as you sat beside him in the dark room, reviewing body cam footage. They pointed out different things to you, things to include as you started your next dark web deep dive.
You could almost ignore how Price’s fingers grazed and lingered on your palm as he gave you a thumb drive to decrypt and analyze, how he stood close enough to you that you had to look at him through your lashes.
“Has a self destruct program that Gaz didn’t want t' aggravate. Figured it needed your... soft touch.” Price smiled down at you as you curled your fingers around the thumb drive. You had to try pretty hard to ignore the slight emphasis on soft. Ghost seemed to chuckle lowly at your expression at the captain.
“What’s on there'll point us in the next direction of our next target.” Ghost nodded to you, his leg shifting so it pressed harder against yours. In the guise of stretching out, he’d draped an arm over the back of your chair, the cotton of his gloves half tickling the sensitive skin on the back of your bicep, where the flesh was soft.
“So don’t screw it up, got it.” You swallowed thickly, shifting so you couldn’t feel his thumb against your skin- it was making it hard to think about hacking and terrorism and military operations. He took it as an invitation to spread out more, his fingers grazing the exact spot only seconds later.
“Precisely,” John laughed lowly, his hand moved to your shoulder, back into that sweet curve that was partly your shoulder and partly your neck, and gave it a lingering squeeze, that kind of made you want to melt, “You won’t screw it up, love.”
The captain gave his Lieutenant a nod, and Ghost quickly stood, his boot giving the toe of your pretty heels a slight nudge as a goodbye before silently stalking out. Price took a seat across from you, leaning back and his arms cross comfortably over his chest.
“I’m having the boys over at mine tonight. A couple of drinks, I’m gonna grill, put the footie on, celebrate another successful mission to start our leave.” Price listed out their plans casually, noting how you squirmed a bit, uncrossing and recrossing your legs as you tugged at the hem of your skirt before continuing, “We want you to come. Couldn’t have done it without you, so you should celebrate it too.”
“Oh, uh-“ You started before you could think of a good excuse, “I’ll be really busy… with.. with the flash drive. And stuff.”
“What stuff?” Price rose a single brow, his stare pinning you still as he reached across the table and took the flash drive back, “This can wait.”
“Files. Coding. Security checks.” You mumbled the first couple aspects of your job that came to mind, the intensity of his gaze making you want to adjust your collar or shrink in your seat. You figured you’d have a couple more sites to clear off their devices, if they’d been sitting around base all night. Your cheeks heated just at the thought. “I’m a little behind. Been… distracted lately."
“Everything all right, love?” He ‘asked’ with at signature warm smile and amused eyes, he seemed to already know the answer to his question, “You’ve been… skittish, since we got back.”
Your teeth worried the seam of your lips as you considered the question. Skittish, was one way to put it- fidgety, fleeing rooms, avoiding eye contact, barely speaking as opposed to your usual chatter and banter. Your eyes flitted away from his gaze again, swallowing dryly again- geez when did you get so shy, “ ‘m fine. Absolutely fine. Never been better. How’re you?”
Cringing at your own rambling, you sighed shoulders drooping as he fixed you with another look, and muttered your name in a way that sent a shiver down your spine. It was a look that expected obedience, as his legs shifted into a natural man spread. Your brain flitted back to the video of your look alike being shoved under a desk…
Him saying your name again, slightly louder but just as bemused drew you back to him, realizing you were staring at his legs, debating if you could fit between his knees and you almost sputtered as you cleared your throat, “I’m fine, really.”
“Either lie more convincingly or tell me what’s bothering you, sweet.” Price chuckled, leaving forward against the table, drumming a knuckle against the table. Sweet, that was new. You’d have to add it to the laundry list of nicknames and pet names the boys had for you. You’d always told yourself that it was nothing personal, that British/Scottish people just did that. But this on wasn’t as easy to write off as ‘love’ or ‘bonnie’, average pet names in the UK colloquial, no sweet seemed personal.
“I’m not bothered.” You glanced away again, nose wrinkling, even though you were bothered- hot and bothered. John Price had a way of drawing details out of people with just a look and a couple of well prodded words. With a deep breath, you tried to keep your characteristic rambling to a minimum, a losing battle as he starting stroking at his beard with those long fingers- two parts of him that you’d been thinking about way too much lately-, “Listen, I’m not judging, you’re grown men, watch what you want to, but just a reminder that it’s my job and obligation to review every link and site that government devices visit. Which includes at least skimming videos. In case you didn’t know or maybe forgot that I can and do see these things, so maybe you could pass that along to the boys-“
“You can tell 'em yourself. ’s your job, sweet.” Price said firmly. The girlish part of your brain corrected ‘firmly’ to dominantly. Before his demeanor relaxed again, giving you an amused, appraising look again, “At my place. Tonight. 8 o’clock. Not a request.” Shrinking in your chair a bit, hoping the chair hid the way your thighs involuntarily clenched, you couldn’t help but nod and squeak, “Yes, sir.”
___
Part Two
Was supposed to have actually smut in this but I got carried away on the build-up, laugh out loud. Maybe a part three or you can just imagine how the little dinner party goes (hint, she's the meal)
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