#i feel like i'm not close to basically anyone

[ocean-in-my-rebel-soul]

When I was younger, I suffered what I've long considered an identity crisis. Along with cultural identity issues, I struggled with gender stuff. Around six years old, during kindergarten, I started getting the sense that I wasn't a girl. I didn't have language or even any sort of understanding for what that could mean, and so it was this sort of confusion without any way to relieve it. I leaned heavily into hyper-femininity, but that wasn't working for multiple reasons. I remember being desperate to be considered feminine, but my body type isn't a traditionally beautiful one, nor are my features. I *could* have been pretty, in a way that some marble *could* make a beautiful statue, but I never learned the art of sculpting. I could make my face pretty, but couldn't make the rest of me so.

Being in adolescence and considered ugly is hard for anyone, but while struggling with unresolved and unnamed gender feelings? God, it was the WORST. My behaviors in trying to access womanhood and traditional femininity were toxic at best, despite me being a feminist (I was feminist to other people, but not to myself, if that makes sense?), and as a whole, going through life up to my mid 20s was probably the worst part of my life. (I mean, who doesn't feel more secure in their 30s than 20s, but this is a very Specific kind of feeling, is what I mean.)

I'd been exploring gender a bit more in my 20s. I grew up in a very queer positive household (my grandpa was as gay as a jaybird, three of my mom's aunt and uncles were lesbian and gays, some of my extended/bonus family was queer, etc.), so when I came out as firmly bi in my teens, that was great! Except I was still struggling and couldn't figure out why until I began getting introduced to trans spaces, people, and cultures.

I came out as nonbinary at 24, legally changed my name six months later, and while I still was having issues, it was much better. I'd suffered from identity crises basically since I was born, and admitting to myself that I wasn't A Woman gave me a lot of relief. I struggled with the idea of masculinity, though (yay internalized androphobia), because of trauma and the cultural issues around toxic masculinity, and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I accepted that my identity does include (what I try to make) healthy masculinity in my gender fluidity. It took me lashing out at a trans man doctor during the grippy sock vacation I took in 2021 to get it through my skull that, you know, being masc doesn't automatically make someone a piece of shit (which I was honestly, genuinely afraid of for so long, I later realized), but Doctor Dude was really gracious and non-reactive about it, and just let me burn myself out and then told me that maybe it could be good to be curious about things in my own time, and get to examining why I was afraid. "If anything, it might help with the fear," he said, and when I began that journey of introspection with the help of LOTS of therapy, I began to see it as part of my whole being.

I'm trans masc, and consider myself to be nonbinary and gender fluid. I wouldn't say that being A Man is one of my gender identity poles, but it does feel close, like maybe 85% Man at any masc moment. I leaned hard against being A Woman for a while, but have worked through a lot of issues with my concepts of womanhood and femininity, and while I wouldn't say Woman is on the axis of my gender fluid uhhh range, femme kinda is, alongside other things.

Being trans and learning about myself has allowed me to reconcile A LOT of shit and baggage and harm that I had been carrying for as long as I could remember. Being able to live authentically has brought me so much joy, and has allowed me to cultivate richer and more varied relationships, because I'm able to know myself better and allow myself to be fully present. Being trans has been a joy, honestly, as much as it's been difficult to get there. Living in my body has been made so much easier since being able to understand and claim my identity.

I've experienced trans joy, trans love, trans happiness, trans-formation, and so much more. I continue to cultivate those things, in spite of the political and social atmosphere of my nation and state trying to fuck that all up to hell. Being trans and being able to outwardly identify as such has been amazing, and has enriched my life. It's been wonderful. (The politics, not so much, but the work needs to be done, and I do my best.)

Sometimes I feel we do a disservice to trans people by framing their journey as some esoteric battle to escape their gender assigned at birth, rather than a very profound story of self-love and self-actualization. Many people feel they can’t relate to the desire to “become another gender” and thus don’t really “get” transgenderism.. but almost everyone can relate to the thrill and fulfillment of letting yourself be true.

[nosyp]

i would LOVE. a gentle smut with player 120, where cho hyun-ju had been feeling off due to the feeling of everyone looking at her weird in the games for being trans, but the reader yk just loved her for her, and wanted to show her that and basically just have intimate lovey dovey sex with her!? LIKE SORRY IF THIS IS CONFUSING.. IM JUST ALL FOR THE GENTLE SMUTS OF HER ESPECIALLY THEY DRIVE ME NUTS BRO

I'm so sorry if it took so long I had to sift thru requests sooo... hope you enjoy tho :)

Here are soime pics as well as compensation

Title = A Small Token of Appreciation

Warnings = smut🔞, touching, kissing, blowjob, gentle sex, cumming in mouth

Pairing = Hyun ju (Player 120) x GN! reader

Word count = 1.7k words

The tension in the air was palpable as Cho Hyun-ju sat in the corner, her gaze distant, lost in her own thoughts. Ever since entering the games, she had felt the weight of every pair of eyes on her, every whisper and judgmental stare. People had made their assumptions, and it made her feel like she didn’t belong, not just in the game, but in the world around her. Everyone was questioning the fact that she looked so much like a boy despite acting feminine. 

The insecurity started to simmer beneath her calm exterior and had been growing, creeping in quietly with each passing day, until it was almost impossible to ignore.

But you could see it, the way she held herself a little more tightly, the subtle frown that tugged at the corners of her mouth, and the sadness in her eyes that she tried so hard to hide. No one else seemed to notice, or maybe they were too afraid to acknowledge what was happening beneath the surface. But you noticed. And you knew exactly how to show her that none of that mattered to you.

You loved her, not for any reason other than the fact that she was Cho Hyun-ju. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. To you, she was perfect, every little part of her. Her strength, her vulnerability, the way she cared so deeply for others. It was all so beautiful.

You approached her slowly, your steps soft against the floor as you closed the distance between you two. Your heart hurt to see her like this, but you wouldn’t push her. You knew she needed to come to you when she was ready. As you reached her, you knelt down beside her, your fingertips gently brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear. She flinched slightly at the touch, but you could see the tension in her body begin to ease just a little.

“Hey,” you whispered, your voice soft and full of warmth. It was more than just a greeting, it was a reminder. A reminder that she wasn’t alone in this. “Y’know… you don’t have to carry all of this alone, you know?”

Her eyes flickered up to meet yours, and for the briefest moment, you saw the walls she had built around herself crack just enough for you to glimpse her true feelings. Vulnerability. Doubt. Fear. She was a fighter on the outside, but in this very moment, she was simply someone who needed comfort. Someone who needed to be reminded that they were loved, just as they were. And you were the person to remind her.

You reached out and cupped her face with both hands, your thumbs brushing over her soft skin as you gazed into her eyes. “I love you,” you said, your voice a quiet but powerful declaration. “I love you for who you are, not what others think of you. You’re perfect just the way you are, and I need you to believe that.”

She didn’t say anything at first, but her lips parted slightly, a breath escaping as her eyes softened, the tears threatening to spill but held back by sheer will. You could see the way her breath hitched as the walls around her heart finally began to crumble, just a little.

And then, without another word, you leaned in, pressing your lips to hers with all the tenderness you could muster. It was a kiss that spoke of reassurance, of love that was unwavering. Slowly, you pulled back just enough to speak again, your voice now a soft whisper against her lips.

“I’m here for you, Hyun-ju,” you murmured. “And I always will be.”

Her arms came up to wrap around you, pulling you closer as if to say everything she couldn’t in that moment. The feeling of her embrace, the way she melted into you, trusting you, was all you needed to know that, no matter how hard the world outside was, you would always be there for her.

The kiss lingered for a moment, soft and full of meaning, but the tension between you two wasn’t just emotional anymore. It had slowly become something deeper, something that pulsed between your bodies, unspoken but undeniable. The way her body pressed against yours, the way her hands moved to your back, pulling you closer, it was clear she needed more. She needed to feel loved in every way, to be shown that she was desired just as much as she was valued.

You pulled away slightly, your breath coming out in soft, steady puffs. Her eyes were closed now, her cheeks flushed from the intensity of the kiss, and you could see the desire building in her. She was slow, steady, as if she was testing the waters. You reached down to brush your fingers along the sides of her arms, feeling the goosebumps rise on her skin.

“Are you sure?” you whispered, your voice a soft murmur. You wanted her, but you also knew she needed to feel safe, to feel like she was in control of this moment, even if just a little.

Her eyes fluttered open, and she gazed at you with a quiet intensity. “I trust you,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper, but the sincerity in it made your heart skip.

That was all you needed to hear.

You leaned in again, kissing her more deeply this time, your hands moving to trace the curve of her back, feeling the warmth of her body against yours. She responded almost immediately, her hands sliding up to your shoulders and then down to the fabric of your clothes, tugging at it gently as if asking you to remove the barrier between you two.

You paused for a moment, pulling back just enough to undress her slowly. Every piece of clothing that came off revealed more of the woman you adored, and with each layer she shed, you saw not just her physical beauty, but her soul, the woman who had faced so much and still managed to smile.

When she was finally bare before you, she looked up at you with such raw vulnerability, a quiet desire in her gaze that made your heart ache. “I need to feel you,” she whispered, her voice trembling with need.

Your response was gentle, tender, as you cupped her face again, kissing her softly before guiding her to lay back, your hands running down her body in the most soothing way. “I’m here, Hyun-ju. You’re safe with me.”

You moved over her slowly, your body hovering just above hers as you kissed her once more. It was slow, languid, filled with the love you wanted to show her. Your hands explored every inch of her skin, tracing the curves you adored, feeling the warmth of her body beneath your fingertips. You could feel her shivering slightly as you moved lower, your lips following the path your hands had taken, pressing gentle kisses to her chest, her stomach.

She gasped softly as you moved between her legs, your fingers tracing the lines of her body, asking her permission with every touch. When you felt her nod, her hands gripping the sheets beneath her, you lowered your mouth to her, your lips brushing against her with such tenderness. You wanted to show her how beautiful she was, how much she meant to you in every possible way.

You were slow, slow because you knew she needed this gentleness, this tenderness, to remind her that she was desired for more than just her physicality. As you moved against her, your lips trailing soft kisses across her body, she responded with soft moans, her fingers gripping your hair, urging you to continue.

“I love you,” you whispered against her skin, your voice full of emotion. “I’m never letting you go.”

The two of you moved together, every touch, every kiss, every caress, meant to remind her that she was wanted, not just in this moment, but always.

Your hands tugged at her pants, and your eyes were looking up at her for approval. She looked towards you, meeting gazes and nodded her head, giving you the permission you needed. Gently, you slipped your finger between the waistband of her pants and her skin, letting it stay there before lightly pulling it off. 

It revealed her red cock, it was a shade of pink that was so intense it must’ve hurt. You couldn’t let her go through it anymore so you quickly slipped it in your throat, shoving her whole length into your mouth. 

“A-ah… slowly…” she moans.

You start moving your head up and down her cock, your tongue providing a warmth to her cock. The sudden warmth from your mouth heightened the pleasure even more, causing her to roll her eyes all the way to the back of her head. 

“U-ugh more…” she begged, hand now on the back of your head, gripping it tightly.

Her hand didn’t do anything beside gripping it, allowing you the freedom to go at your own pace. At first it was slow, intimate… but it grew quicker as her grip tightened. 

Your head bobbed up and down faster, saliva coating her member even further. Her grip around you tightened even further, her fingers tangling in your hair as she pulled you closer. The pressure of her hands was a silent command, urging you to keep going. And you did.

Your mouth wrapped around her so beautifully she couldn’t stop staring. Her eyes eagerly followed yours, enjoying the sight of you. It didn’t help that your hands were gripping her hips so strongly, increasing the experience even more. 

It didn’t take long for her to finally reach her climax, allowing her fluids to spill into your mouth. Your mouth felt so full that spit… and some of her cum was flowing out of the small gap between your mouth and her. Then, you pulled away, trying to save all the cum. 

Without warning, you swallowed it all in, surprising her, but the look in her eyes told you everything, you had given her exactly what she needed, and she appreciated it more than words could express.

[bunny-jpeg]

playback

toto wolff

tags: smut/pwp, onlyfans au, naughty live streams, age gap (late-20s/50s), big dick!toto, masturbation, dirty talking, daddy kink, master's student!reader

a/n: toto would do great in porn

you knew you needed to get laid soon. but, with your cramped schedule in your final semesters of your master's program. you were so close to finishing your program and getting the hell out of school and into your field!

but people have needs, and you needed to get your release somehow. you weren't on the hunt for a sexual partner, hell, not even a romantic partner. so you had a little subscription, to a website where you could gaze at handsome men and help get that release you so desire. you had a particular taste for the accounts you subscribed to.

older, taller, domineering and more than happy to spill the degrading language you've ever heard. - and while most came close, one man in particular fit the bill 'torger', mostly known as 'daddy'. you only found out his 'name' by an accidental search online - but that information had been basically scrubbed off the internet since you found it. but he preferred to be called daddy or sir. so that piece of information was locked away as you found his account on a lonely monday night.

his page was simple, the design was clean. everything as organized to a t which made something to watch tonight very easy. you were interested in the newest video, posted only hours earlier. the idea that he was filming and posting while you were holed up in the library trying to piece together evidence for your thesis! it was hot.

you clicked the video and got yourself comfortable with your phone. your hand between your legs. your pussy felt hot, most likely do to the arousal you had been carrying since you got back to your crummy little apartment. you gave a few teasing rubs as the video started.

you didn't actually know what daddy looked like. you've see his naked body, that was what you paid eleven dollars a month for. but you had never seen his face. it made sense that he wanted to protect his identity, but underneath the simple mask he wore, you wonder what he looked like.

he was seated back in bed, the camera pointed on his cock as he said, "about time you had come home, angel." his voice was accented, you weren't particularly good with where it was from. but his voice was low enough that it felt like he was right in your ear as you started to pleasure yourself. his voice was like honey on your sexual frustrated brain.

"i missed you today, my darling. you know how daddy feels about you going out all by yourself." he continued to masturbate himself. a low concept video, but it did wonders for you. "you know that you want to be good for daddy, right? did you behave, follow our rules?"

you swallowed and kept your hand moving. you rubbed the side of your hand up against your clit as you felt the splash of warmth across your face. you couldn't help it, his words got to you. they turned you on.

"angel." his favourite nickname for those who watched his videos. you running assumption was it was gender neutral enough to get anyone aroused. and you were no exception, "did you eat? get enough sleep? you're not falling behind are you? you know daddy holds you in high expectation, you don't want to fail me, do you?" his breathing was heavy in a way that was erotic, you felt the tingle in your toes as you started to move your hand faster.

the stimulation to your clit made you tense up as the sparks of pleasure danced in the back of your head. your eyes were locked on the video, next time you'd watch something this award-worthy on your laptop. see every inch of daddy's cock.

he exhaled deeply, "i bet you have, you know exactly what you have to do day by day. and that's why i'm so proud of you. but, all day i was thinking about you. i thought about your pretty ass on me. i know you'd let me take you apart in our bedroom. i wanted to wait for you to suck me off, but when i think of you i simply can't help myself."

you let out a small moan. you saw how he was stroking his cock. every so often he changed up the pace, which only made him more aroused. his blunt tip was leaky pre-cum, with his own sexual want. it was all a fantasy, but your aroused brain near drooled from the sight of his cock.

he once measured it for a photo and you saw loud and clear that it was a little over eight inches and thick enough to do damage if used incorrectly. but he seemed like the type to make sure his partner's came first. you had seen his collaborative work with other. usually a younger partner to come in and suck him off while filmed. even that was hot too, because it made you yearn to be in the woman's position. taken apart like that, fucked until bruising.

"will you be good for me, angel?" he asked near out of breath, "will you get on your knees for daddy and apologize for being out so late. you know i need to know if any infractions were done. if you were bad and we'll take it from there. i'll even let you pick out your punishment. but i have a feeling you were good for me. so i won't choke you on my cock. i know that gag reflex of you is so shallow, but maybe when we take our vacation i can properly train your throat. about time you learn to take what's yours." his breathing was staggered as more pre-cum dribbled out of his hard cock.

you continued to pleasure yourself, it only mounted in your body the more you played with yourself. you never knew that someone's words, some stranger's words, could turn you on so much. to make you cunt soaked with the idea of sucking his cock. of being good for him, a listening, obedient little thing. it ran heat through you.

"i want you, angel." he said softly, "i want you so badly. you have no idea what kind of man you make me. i become a beast when i am with you. everything about you, you're irresistible." he changed the pace of his movements as he pleasured himself.

you moaned a little louder at the video. you felt your toes curl and your calves tense up as you worked your hand across your sex. the pleasure was intense in a way that it made you near dizzy. you loved it, the feeling was intense in a way that drove you near the verge of insanity. his type of videos worked themselves into your little routine, his caring yet domineering tone. how he spoke to the camera, it only fueled the need to touch yourself.

"so good for me." he said lowly, "look at how much you've done. daddy believes in you, so why don't you try to take him all tonight. you know it won't bite." he chuckled which only made your heart rate pick up.

soon your climax hit and it was like being hit in the gut. you tensed up and came with a sharp noise that exited your lips. it felt amazing. you laid there with your hand still up against your clit as toto continued to masturbate. his words filthy yet supportive, it was a cocktail that turned you on even after you came.

"my angel." he purred, "i'm cumming to thoughts of you." you looked at the screen, his hand tightened around his cock. you could see the tattoo of the moon he had on his wrist. you've seen his cum all over that too before and it was quite the sight. he said quietly, "my sweet, sweet angel." before he came all over his hand which excited you.

his breathing was heavy pants as were yours. the video soon ended and you laid out in the glow of your phone screen as you laid there heavily breathing. your heart was pounding as you tried to regain some semblance of stability.

you thought of his tattoo and that large hand around your throat. it didn't hurt that you were able to get a second round to thoughts of torger fucking you.

-

you were asked to attend a guest lecture in your program. it was suggested by a friend as something free to do on a tuesday morning. the lecture hall was sparsely occupied. you and your friend sat near the front and the guest professor was already there.

older, taller - your friend remarked, "probably get a packed house just to catch a glimpse of him." then giggled. you could see the appeal of him. the thick rimmed glasses and short hair that was dyed to keep its youthful appearance. he looked like a man who knew what he was doing in his suit, the first few buttons of the button up shirt were undone, it made you do a double take.

but it wasn't until he reached up to move the chalkboard upwards, that you caught the glimpse of. your heart stopped for a moment as you saw the ink around his wrist. a familiar moon tattoo.

"what's this guy's name again?" you said quietly, unable to remember the professor's name.

"toto wolff... but his legal name is like torger or something." and you weren't too sure if colour left your face or flooded it. because the guy you masturbated to last night was teaching a guest lecture today and you had near front row seats to him. <3

[fatuismooches]

pulchra mendacium.

synopsis: Prime Dottore fell in the final battle against Celestia, and the shock caused you to lose your memories. Omega plans to take his place, or more specifically, take you.

includes: dottore (omega) w/ gn! reader

notes: Based on a brainrot of mine. Omega becomes "Zandik" because he wants you. There's fluff but he is basically lying to you the whole time and selfishly justifying his actions. I'm ngl this fic kinda flopped halfway through because I wanted it to be longer but I also lost motivation but didn't want to scrap it, so sorry if it's messy </3.

Despite being Dottore’s most advanced and strongest segment, with power and intelligence that left most people fearful, clearly the best one among the lot - when Omega gazed upon you, there were times when he sorely remembered his true identity in the end.

He was a segment, and his creator was the original.

It was a sentiment shared among all the segments, and he was no different. Despite all the love and attention you gave them, it could never truly compare or feel the same as when you did it to Prime. He came first in your heart, and it was an unspoken, obvious truth. None of the segments were fond of this irrefutable fact of course, but what else could they do but understand their place and be content with what they were given? None dared to overstep their boundaries.

The Omega segment was the exception.

He had always teetered dangerously on the edge when it came to you, taking slightly more of you than he was allowed. Everything he attempted was always strategically done and within reason, he was no fool, after all. And being such a high-ranking segment, it wasn’t like Prime could afford to do anything too harsh.

Still, it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. Nothing was enough when it came to you - he selfishly desired all of you to himself. But there were things that even Omega couldn’t cross. Even he had to settle, something uncharacteristic of the man who pursued his interests without faltering. However, he was a patient man. Patience will eventually bring results, no matter how long that may be.

As Omega anticipated, his patience paid off, but not in the way he predicted.

—

The war against Celestia was victorious, but it had come at a terrible price, one you weren’t ready to pay.

Of course, everyone knew that it would be hard-won. Freedom was never easily earned. No amount of preparation could truly prepare anyone for heading into that battle. You yourself were terrified, but you steadied yourself by imagining peaceful days ahead with Dottore. Peaceful days of basking in the sun, your biggest worry being what should be for dinner tonight, no longer having to worry about the illness that plagued your body. You would teach him how to sleep in since his continuous experiments and paperwork would no longer be necessary. He would reteach you the wonders of being healthy again.

Unfortunately, your husband died right in front of you. You were right there, but you were powerless to do anything. You would have never thought this would happen, not the strong and intelligent scientist you loved, how could he fall?

Your Zandik. Your precious Zandik. The Zandik you promised to live out a lifetime of happy days with. He was gone, and you were all alone, all those happy years ahead of you were robbed.

Well, Omega, the last remaining segment and version of Dottore left in his world, had survived with you. But it wasn’t like you could really think or care about that right now, no, the loss of Zandik was far too devastating. After the war concluded, you thought you would be rebuilding your home with your husband. Instead, you were locked inside your room, refusing to come out. Omega was the only one who tended to you - the other Harbingers were either dead, too busy, or not close enough to see you.

Still, it wasn’t as if he was granted any attention. The segment’s words fell on deaf ears, whether you let him touch you or not had become an uncertain chance. And yet Omega was undeterred. With his creator gone, there was no one left to take care of you, the responsibility solely on his shoulders. Not that he minded of course - he’d done it for centuries, it wasn’t any different now. Even if you didn’t spare a glance at him, things would continue to go on. Time would always move forward, and he would remain by your side, waiting for the day when you’d smile at him again.

Most of all, Omega still loved you, even if he knew you’d never love him back as much as you did with Prime.

—

The segment had run through many possibilities of how you’d come to terms with your grief, but the situation he witnessed right now was not one of them.

From the moment he walked into your room to feed you your breakfast, he could tell something was wrong from how wide your eyes were, the confused furrow of your eyebrows, and how you were investigating your room. The two of you paused at each other’s presence before you backed more into the wall as if to guard yourself from him. Your lips parted, shoulders shaking in slight fear.

“Umm… W-Who are you…? And where… where exactly am I?” You looked at him nervously, unsure of what he could do.

Memory loss.

Well, even the ever-calculating segment didn’t see this coming. Immediately, many things ran through his mind. How, why? Did the sheer grief and loss trigger this? Most likely. Could you get your memory back? Maybe. It couldn’t be impossible. Plus, he was unsure as to what memories you lost in particular. What would be the best course of action so as to not frighten you even more? That would be-

“Hello…? Please answer me,” your voice was timid and unsure, heart beating in your chest.

“… Do you truly not remember me?” You shook your head in response. Omega paused before carefully selecting his next words.

“I am your husband.” Your eyes widened slightly at the declaration before narrowing again in disbelief, obviously unsure of the truth of his statement, but he continued on. “You’ve seen the pictures on your desk, as well as the ring on your finger. If you would like to see mine, I shall retrieve it.” (In truth, that was Prime’s ring, but it wouldn’t hurt to borrow it.)

It was true. In the strange room you woke up in, your desk was filled with pictures of an unfamiliar blue-haired man, that was the spitting image of the one you saw before you. The pictures held fond moments, most notably a wedding one, and you did not question how the mask was different considering the great similarity in appearance. Both of you looked at each other with great gentleness.

“And this is your room in our house. We have lived together for years.” It was a good thing that even though the Fatui disbanded, he still kept his mansion. Still, naturally, you looked unsure. Omega sought to remedy your worries, as he always did.

“Do you remember your name, by chance?” You nodded and quietly replied with it. “And what about your preferences? Favorite food? Season? Hobby?” You took a few moments to ponder before nodding your head. At least you seemed to remember yourself, Omega observed. Could the memory loss only apply to anything related to Dottore?

“Very well. Now, ask me things about yourself, especially things you think no one else would know. Surely that would prove how long I’ve known you.” You had to agree with that - of course there’d be secrets you’d tell no one except for a select few. And so you hesitantly started listing off some questions, to which the blue-haired man immediately answered without a second thought. For some of them, he even responded before you got through the question! How did he know you so well…? Guess he really was the real deal, but you turned your gaze to the floor, confusion and sadness still lingering on your expression.

“But how come I don’t remember? … What happened to me? What am I going to do now? How will I- will I ever remember?” Tears started to well in your eyes as you wrapped your arms around yourself, truly coming to terms with the situation. Omega only stared at you, his mind still thinking of the possible implications of this situation, but his first priority right now was to comfort you.

“May I approach you?” Your lip quivered, still a bit uneasy about him, but you nodded. Quietly, he made his way over to you, his tall stature hovering over yours. His hand rested on your shoulder and you stiffened momentarily. To be honest, you thought you’d be uncomfortable with it, but for some reason, it felt a bit reassuring. The man then wrapped his arms around you, your head resting on his chest.

“I’ll stay by your side and help you with those questions, and whatever more you need,” Omega wiped a threatening tear from your eyes before it could roll down your cheek. You don’t know why you instinctively felt a bit better, or why his warmth felt so nice.

“Your touch feels familiar.”

“Does it?” You nodded slightly.

“I can’t remember anything about you… but it feels comforting.”

“I’m glad, then.”

“You never told me your name…” You looked up at him, still lost but a trace of hope lingered.

It was in those few moments where Omega made a decision.

He had always known he’d never be what Prime was to you. The segment was smart enough not to fool himself into thinking the opposite. Still, he wondered how it’d feel for you to love him even a fraction of how much you loved the original. It was a tempting feeling. Very, very, tempting… he continued to think.

Perhaps he could become Prime. Perhaps he could become Zandik. Perhaps this was where his selfish desires overtook his rationality. 

Logically, if he did that, he would be lying to you about a few key things. And there was the chance you could regain your full memories. There was the issue with his mechanical face too…

However, you would be happy to live out the life you always wanted. He would fulfill the things you wanted to do with Prime instead. Yes, he vividly remembered when you’d tell him all the things you wanted to do when you were healthy. Of course, he would get the love and treatment he’d always selfishly longed for. This would be beneficial for both of you. And so, the segment parted his lips to give you his answer.

“My name is Zandik.”

—

What followed afterward was what he had expected to happen.

There were a lot of things you wanted to ask and yet you felt awkward and as lost as you could be, knowing he was the only link to the world you had anymore. He could feel your flickering glances repeatedly, throat dry as you inquired.

“You said you are my husband, right?”

“Yes.”

“So… that means you l-love me then…?”

“That’s also right.” You fidgeted with your fingers awkwardly, pondering what you should say next.

“If I am correct, you mean to tell me you do not feel any sort of affection for me, yes?” You rubbed your head shyly.

“… I am sorry.” When you looked at the blue-haired man, you couldn’t feel any sort of love for him, although his touch felt familiar. And although you had your own big problems to worry about, you couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for Zandik, having to deal with his beloved not remembering a single thing about him. But he merely shrugged.

“Given the circumstances, it is only natural. We can worry about that later.” However, despite your worries, he seemed pretty calm and collected.

“So… about my memories. You’re gonna tell me about them, right? And you?”

“I could,” he began, “but I have a better idea.” You sent him a confused look. “In the past, many times you’ve told me that you wished to go back to Sumeru to live. Would you still like to do that?” You blinked at Zandik before a look of realization crossed your face.

“Sumeru… yes, Sumeru! My home… why am I even in Snezhnaya in the first place?” A large hand on your shoulder quelled your incoming anxiety.

“I’ll explain soon. But do you want to return with me?”

“I… do.” Even though you hadn’t gone outside yet, you think you’d prefer to live under that familiar sun rather than trudging through the snow daily.

Omega already knew what your answer would be. You had always wanted to go back and live an uncaring, domestic life with Prime after the war, but obviously, you never had the opportunity. It was what you deserved - so many years you were stuck in the lab.

He then approached you, cautiously taking your hand in his. “I believe the sights will help you regain some of what you’ve lost.” You couldn’t disagree with that, and soon enough you two were on a boat to Sumeru, though you weren’t sure why the employees were looking at you and your husband so oddly. 

—

The way Sumeru looked so different yet similar to the way you remembered it at your head reeling. You knew for a fact the architecture was not like this.

But what you didn’t understand more was how Zandik managed to get a cozy home completely furnished to your liking in such a nice spot so quickly, but you didn’t question it much. Your husband gave off an aura of importance, perhaps he was good at pulling strings… however he did. More strangely was how calm he was about the situation. If the roles were reversed, you’d probably be crying with stress and sadness. But he looked as if everything was turning out fine… You weren’t sure if that made you less or more worried, though the perfect drink he made you eased you of your troubles a bit.

“So… um, Zandik,” your husband’s name rolled off your tongue easily, perhaps because of how much you uttered it in the past. You didn’t notice how he tensed for a split second, still adapting to his new name. “Are you going to tell me everything?” Omega hummed in response.

“Would you be upset if I delayed it once again?” You furrowed your eyebrows at him.

“… I’m beginning to wonder what I was thinking marrying such a strange man. Any normal person would be, I don’t know, fumbling over themselves to help me remember some things. I question your motives.” 

“I can assure you that I mean well. I merely want to increase the chances of you remembering.”

“… Well, go on, Zandik.” He smiled at you. Your heart felt a bit funny at that.

“Come with me.” All of a sudden he clasped your hand in his and began leading you out of the door.

“Where are we going?” You glanced down to your joined hands with Zandik. He was warm. Unusually so. You… liked it.

“Where we first met.” 

—

“We met at the Akademiya?” You did remember gazing upon the grand building as a child, but you were sure it looked way different than this. And all the shops too, there was nothing here that you remembered.

“Indeed we did,” he led you into the institution, an area where non-students were allowed to come and ago. “We were both students here a very long time ago.” Although he may not have personally experienced it, he still had all the memories of Prime. Pretending was easy.

“Really?” You squinted at the lights, gazing at the architecture that looked unfamiliar. You briefly remember getting in, but it felt like there was a hole blocking something important in your brain.

“Yes. The first time I met you, I thought you were a nuisance.” You nearly tripped at his blatantly rude statement and sent a mixture of a shocked and offended look to him.

“What?” Omega smirked. “I thought you wanted the truth.”

“I didn’t think my husband would think so crudely of me…”

“Well, when I met you I was not your husband. I was just a student who thought you were a pain in my side.” You huffed, but you found yourself oddly intrigued by his words.

“But why?” Omega paused before he responded.

“It didn’t have anything to do with you. I simply disliked the company of most people. But you were persistent in bothering me.”

“How come?”

“According to your words, you said I was too ‘intelligent and cute to resist.’” You cleared your throat awkwardly.

“I-Is that so?”

“It is,” your husband grinned at you.

“So then what?” You two sat down, watching busy students rush past each other.

“You signed up to dorm with me, much to my displeasure. I ignored you for a long time and treated you rather harshly.”

“And I put up with that?”

“You did indeed. I thought you were crazy myself. But then I started to warm up to you. I realized your strength. Your intelligence. Even your beauty, which I had not cared for on anyone before I met you.”

“… I see.” His words left your face a little hot. Alright, now you could see why past you fell for him. He was certainly a smooth talker with a handsome face. However…

“I still can’t remember anything,” you murmured regretfully.

“That’s alright. I remember every moment that we spent together,” he said matter of factly, which you found strange, but you rolled with it anyway.

“Please, continue then,” you urged him.

The rest of the day was spent with Akademiya students sending odd looks at you two actively chatting, a scene quite reminiscent of centuries ago.

—

For a while, you woke up to the delicious smell of coffee. It seemed that it was one of the only things he was capable of making. You’d hypothesized that he probably couldn’t cook because he was buying food for all your meals… you weren’t complaining though. But for some reason, you had hardly seen him eat. It was only when you offered for him to join you that he seemed interested. There was also the issue of his mask - he never took it off… maybe he was self-conscious? You didn’t really know but also didn’t know how to approach the subject. 

It also appeared that Zandik was an early riser - or maybe you just liked to sleep in too much. And yet, he never disturbed you from your rest, patiently waiting for you to wake. Whatever request you’d have, he would fulfill it efficiently with no errors. Whenever you’d break down, he would be by your side immediately and somehow comforting you exactly in the way you needed. He could be a listening ear, a reassuring shoulder, a voice of advice… it was almost unnerving how perfect he was being for you.

However, despite all his kindness… your memory simply could not remember anything. Even when he told you the whole four hundred years of sickness story, nothing clicked in your head…

“It’s regrettable that you do not remember anything,” Omega lied. He had always been cunning, to say the least. It took little effort to conveniently write his lesser selves out of the story and make it seem like he was your one and only. Of course, he left out the human experimenting and all. He didn’t want to scare you off right now. 

Although, he did feel pity at your downcast look. He did not enjoy seeing you sad of course, nor did he like lying to you, but it would only last a while in the grand scheme of things, because he would take care of you as you deserved.

“Mhm… at least I have you, Zandik,” you sighed. Over the course of months upon months, you had come to grow fond of your husband. Aside from the memory situation, he indulged you in things you had always wanted to do. 

The two of you had started a small garden (you were pleasantly surprised when he first brought it up) and spent mornings and nights tending to it together. Stray cats and birds somehow showed up at your doorstep (they were strangely affectionate toward Zandik) and you fed them together. He joined you on your new hobbies (how could he knit that fast?) too. He helped you prep ingredients whenever you cooked but didn’t go further than that “for your own safety,” in his words…

All in all, you could definitely understand why younger you stayed with him forever, and why present you was beginning to long for him in a deeper manner.

“Regardless, I appreciate all you have done for me,” you thanked him while clearing your throat awkwardly, and scooching closer to him on the grass. Sumeru’s evenings could get cold sometimes. You didn’t meet Zandik’s gaze and instead kept it focused on the setting sun. Amazingly enough, the island in the sky that had always been there was no longer to be seen. The sky was clear and beautiful, something you never thought you’d see. Zandik decided to tear his gaze from you too and look up, although he placed his hand on top of yours as you stiffened in surprise.

“Perhaps this isn’t so bad. I can court you properly, forgetting all the times I acted foolishly before.” You warmed at his suggestion.

“Such as?”

“Locking you out of the dorm for one.”

“Wow, you were pretty horrible, huh?” You couldn’t help but laugh and he quietly chuckled as well. “But…” you squeezed his large hand, “I would like that,” you admitted. “I hope to remember everything eventually, but… it would be nice to start over with you.” Omega perked up in delight at your confession, his mind racing with all the ways he would make you fall in love with him again.

“However, I do have one request.”

“Tell me.” Shyly, you raised your hand to his cheek and stroked it, which was softer than you expected. 

“I would like to know the face of the man I’m about to kiss.”

Omega knew this was coming. He had put it off as long as he could, but it was only natural you’d get curious about his face. In all honesty, he was slightly unsure of what your reaction would be. It was very possible for you to be scared. At his hesitation, you quickly spoke again.

“If you’re uncomfortable, you don’t need to,” you backtracked, “Although… it would make it happy to see who you really are, Zandik.” Omega sighed in response.

“My appearance may be offputting. Are you sure?”

“Of course! If past me could deal with it, why couldn’t present me do it?” You smiled, playfully pulling at his cheek to which he batted you away.

“As you wish.” In an instant, what stared back at you was a gleaming red star, no eyes to be found. You blinked, speechless. You weren’t really sure what you were expecting, really, but still.

“Over the centuries, I modified myself to the point I was no longer human,” Omega explained. It wasn’t totally off the mark.

“I kind of had a feeling you weren’t human. I mean, what kind of human can survive only off sweets for breakfast the whole day?” You joked as your fingers went to brush against his metal plate, missing how he sucked in his breath, staying silent.

“This doesn’t bother me, Zandik. I’m happy you showed me. I know I must have chosen you in the past for a reason, regardless of what happened. And I want to stay with you.”

“… I share the sentiment,” Omega replied, senses focused on how close you were. He took hold of your hand and placed it on his lips instead, watching how you inhaled at his boldness. Swallowing away your nervousness, you took his invitation and moved your face closer to his, dropping your hand to lay against his chest instead. Shakily, you finally pressed your lips against his, and your husband immediately took control and pushed you onto the grass, making you gasp.

Finally, you were his.

All his.

—

From then on, the days were as peaceful as you once desired. You two slept in as much as you wanted. You two would bask in the sun and cool off in the shade. You would worry about what was for dinner (even though Zandik didn’t need to eat.) He would take you to hidden places in Sumeru frequently, watching as you brightened at the beauty of the land, and then give him an equally as beautiful look.

These looks were different from the ones who gave him all those years ago. You weren’t falling in love with a mere segment of Zandik, you were falling in love with “Zandik” himself. It was an entirely different experience. 

It was wonderful.

Your touches were lavished upon his skin only, your sweet and encouraging words for his ears only. No longer did you need to direct any attention toward those who were less than him. And in return, he would love you better than any of them ever could. It was bliss…

… But of course, he should have expected an obstacle or two.

“I never thought I would see you back in this nation, at least not like this,” a familiar, young voice sounded behind him one day, one that he once bargained with a long time ago.

“… Lesser Lord Kusanali. I must say, I’m surprised it took you this long to visit. You’ve been observing me, haven’t you?” He hummed, uncaring of the God’s presence, continuing to water his plants.

“I have, ever since you stepped foot into Sumeru. You didn’t even try to hide it.”

“Of course. Since you’ve been watching me so thoroughly, then you must know, I have no intentions of causing any harm.” Nahida was silent. The fact that he was telling the truth was still jarring for her. However, that wasn’t why she was here.

“What you’re doing is entirely selfish. I thought you cared for them.” The God knew about what had transpired all those years ago and was able to roughly guess what the segment was doing. Omega scoffed in response.

“Of course I do. That’s why I’ve ascertained that this is the best possible solution.” You were happy like this, enjoying life to its fullest. Before, you were stuck listless and lifeless in a room all day. Surely, the former was the better option, even if he had to withhold some things from you…

“The best solution for you,” she corrected Omega, eyes narrowing. “This is all a lie you’ve crafted to fulfill your selfish desires and-” Before the Dendro God could finish her sentence, Dottore’s segment stood up, looming over her.

“Lesser Lord Kusanali, I would think that someone as busy as yourself would have other things to do than to probe into another’s business,” he dismissed her criticism. “I have been with them for centuries. They have shared everything with me. I know what’s best for them.” So what if it was a lie? It was a beautiful one, was it not? It kept you glowing, happy to wake up every morning, and grateful to rest at night with him.

Perhaps it was wrong of him to hope your memories never truly returned.

But with you smiling at him so sweetly every single day, all the love you could muster reflecting in your gentle gaze, Omega continued to believe he was right.

[genderlessjacky]

yayy finally im finally done!!! I hope we are the same timezone and I didn't accidentally submit this late 😭

Holmes!! The sharpshooting Rodger with a littleee but of trust issues and I adore him . He is the kind of dad to have Pavlov's dogs himself to say "language" whenever anyone is swearing an probably owns a swear jar. But don't worry, he loves both his children equally. He may not be able to keep up with a few of the smarter Rodgers in terms of intellect but he can hold his own in a mission decently well and he's more streetsmart anyways (Holmes says in an attempt to comfort himself)

(also , Sherlock Holmes , Holmes , get it??? I'm so funny I know)

Big brother of the year award goes too... SOMEONE ELSE because it's certainly not Shrimpo "DONT KICK IN YOUR 8 YEAR OLD BABY SISTERS TEETH" Rodger . He pretends to not care and at times he really doesn't. It's giving Dipper pines meets bakugo (which I'm not sure if that's accurate because I have only seen like , 2 seasons of MHA) meets knuckles and with a sprinkle of abandonment issues . It took him a decently long time to warm up to his adoptive family but it was all worth it (sort of)

(when I tell you I really did try my best to come up with an Augmented Ability for him 😭 I hope this isn't too OP...)

Edit : nvm , Shrimpo uses 80% of his energy instead and that it effects a whole area of twisteds around him , like it effects any twisteds who hear it even if he direct it at them , and that it can be mixed , like a twisted brightney and Gigi can run away while the rest start CHASING him

The baby of the family!! The one who Shrimpo taught how to swear!! Toodles!! She occasionally gets an existential crisis because of her ability but it's finee. She warmed up the fastest to people, this social little scumbag is the sole reason why her brother is NOT fully social inept

Edit: SO sorry that I'm changing my mind this much but I'd like to add like , she can just duplicate only parts of herself for way less energy, like she can duplicate just an arm as a emergency weapon for 7% energy and only her head to use as a projectile weapon for 9% energy ectect and ofc they will still hurt but yes she can duplicate multiple

(Another idea of an Augmented Ability I have to her is basically beginners luck in a larger scale , she can boost a random 'stat' of her fellow toons in a certain radius by 20% and it reduces her own energy by 20% but I went for this one instead but if you think the duplicate thing is too overpowered, feel free to use this :))

more beneath the cut <3 (pls read I spent SO much time on these doodles)

An idea I have for their background:

If it matches the lore , I'd say they joined an operation that wasnt gardenview, a different operation that was far more weaker and far away from said Gardenview , Holmes and Toodles and a couple of others were the sole survivors of the weaker operation after they got overwhelmed by a large Wave of twisteds and Shrimpo got kicked out of his own survivors group for being too aggressive and nearly leading them to their own death . After Toodles and Holmes wandered for about 3 months they met Shrimpo and the journey begins there . They reach Gardenview in about, I'd say two - two and a half years

Please ignore that fact that it's disgustingly obvious that I have practically never done digital art before 😞🙏

Pov: a single father of two rediscovers what coffee is (don't read the text too closely 😞, I mostly copy pasted a theory about ichor that I really liked and added a bit of details myself , I know I'm lazy I'm sorry)(also ignore that Cosmo said E-1, I rrly want him and his kids to be in D-1 🙏)

I have a mini comic I'm in the middle of drawing of how Shrimpo and Toots would work together in an actual mission and I'll reblog said comic on this post after I finish it and hope and pray you actually see it 😢

Fun facts about them (I'll probably add more when it's not , midnight)

In terms of fighting, I'd say Shrimpo is definitely melee and short ranged, if I decide to give him weapons it will definitely be very Vi from arcane coded

Rodger is defo long ranged sharp shooter, a sniper sort of guy , if he had to fight up close he could hold his own but he would mostly rely on his robot arm

Toodles is more agile think, very sonic or Spiderman esk , jumping around and dodging/ luring the twisteds

Rodger also has phantom pain sometimes and doesn't really know what it is (yet) so sometimes his arms just starts hurting a lot and he's like "oh, I guess that happens now" and doesn't tell anyone

Rodger got lost his arm during the incident where his old operation got destroyed

Toodles and Shrimpo have matching bite marks from eachother, it's how they differentiate eachother from a crowd

They are very "Dad said I can come!!" "YOU ARE NOT COMING ON MY DATE-" coded

honestly, I can Shrimpo tagging along with toodles and her new friends in Gardenview until he finds his own group

Rodger used to spend a lot his time researching ichor obsessively because he lost a lot of loved ones during the fall of his old operation (like a lot of the Rodgers and probably also A1 Rodger) but slowed down a LOT a while after he took in Shrimpo

Rodger didnt know how to take care of two kids at first , it wasnt until Shrimpo almost died because of his own recklessness that he decided "hey I already lost a lot of people, I need to take care of the ones I have" and stepped up , he isn't perfect but he tries

I'd like to think Rodger gets a lot of "you took in...a SHRIMPO????" From the group of people he hangs out with

Also their 'last name' is Rodger , like Toodles Rodger and Shrimpo Rodger , but he only uses when they are in REAL trouble like "SHRIMPO RODGER GO TO YOUR ROOM" energy

Also if it matches the lore , I also like to think , to save up energy and ichor , the people running Gardenview saw them come in , clinging onto eachother and went "huh... they seem close" and put Toodles and Shrimpo in the same room with a bunkbed to preserve energy

Small little Event!

Hey hey, hope you’re all having a great holiday.

This little event will be running until 1.6.2025.

Im sure some of you have noticed team D and E have never been mentioned- and that’s because I’ve been waiting to host this event!

I’m choosing 11- yes 11 toons that YOU GUYS MAKE to add to Operation Ichor!

Of course, other toon submissions will show up as background characters within the comic.

Q1: How does the character sheet look?

Something like this, it being colored is optional. But I mainly just need design, personality, and ability on your sheet. Keep in mind you’re mostly choosing from the 20 in game characters (No, spoiler characters aren’t accepted, only ones in game!) and adding accessories on them.

You can make a whole team if you want too, just please keep it as one reblog if you can.

Q2: Are OC Toons allowed?

Yes, but please keep in mind they have a lower chance of being chosen just because dealing with different abilities and designs gets complicated (as if the 20 toons Dandy’s world has isn’t already enough)

Here’s the sheet for those who want to join.

Please use (#opich event) and/or just reblog this post with your submission

Disclaimer:

Any toon submitted will STILL BELONG TO THE OWNER, I have no intentions of stealing your amazing creations.

Do note; with the grim nature of this story, toons die a lot and yours might as well, if you don’t want that to happen- don’t submit.

And don’t be discouraged by your art, I love all your works and you’re all super talented :).

[doodler16]

I don't talk about/avoid talking about proshippers on here because if I do, and even I make sure to tag any proship post using the anti tags, proshippers will find a way to try to harass me, and I don't want my mental health to suffer all thanks to these sick fuckers (as my mental health is already suffering thanks to my job and other offline stuff).

But I want to get this off of my chest in terms of my chest. As an antishipper, I'm concerned about minors entering these kinds of spaces and consuming content that has proship themes (including Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss). The fact that there's a trend of minors watching Hazbin and Helluva Boss is concerning. Despite the shows having some sort of content warning at the beginning of each episode (and minor, of course easily ignoring that), Vivziepop has yet to make a statement regarding minors watching her stuff. And the fact that she has yet to address that issue, it seems like she doesn't care about her minors supporting her since it's just another way to gain income so she could use that money towards paying those A list celebs she hired while paying her animators pennies. And it's bad enough that she hasn't addressed the issue about the one child that asked Angel Dust's VA about how he felt recorded scenes involving very sexual themes.

I feel like, as a result of Vivziepop ignoring the issues of minors supporting her work, interacting with fans, and cosplaying as characters that they shouldn't be cosplaying, there's going to be a lot of grooming accusations coming forward about adults grooming child fans. Vivziepop, as a creator, especially as a creator of an animated series targeted towards adults, has full responsibility as to who should or shouldn't be consuming her work. And knowing she's not going to come out with a statement anytime soon, people are going to use that as an excuse to prey on the children in the fandom as her remaining silent on the matter is going to make people think that she's okay with minors supporting her (basically the whole "silence = acceptance" thing).

I'm also concerned that it will go beyond adult fans grooming minors to people who work closely to Vivziepop grooming minors. As of right now (but please correct me if I'm wrong), I haven't heard about anyone who works under her being groomers, but I'm worried that it will eventually lead up to that all because Vivziepop doesn't want to take a minute out of her day to tell minors not to watch HB and HH.

And it's not just Vivziepop that should be held accountable. The parents of these children who are supporting her need to be held accountable, too. These parents need to look into what their children are watching both online and on TV. A lot of (if not all) adult media contains content that children shouldn't be consuming. And what doesn't help is that there are parents who don't care if their kids watch this kind of stuff, including porn.

I highly doubt that Vivziepop will do the right thing by issuing a statement about minors consuming her work. From what I've witnessed, it's clear that she's putting profit over minor safety. As long as these kids are giving her their money, she doesn't give a shit if adult fans are acting predatory towards minors. And she'll do everything she could to sweep things under the rug if anyone who works for her are grooming on those minor fans.

Fair concern. Minors in the Helluvaverse community have always been a problem ironically despite Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss being for mature audiences. The closest thing Vivziepop has done from what I’ve seen so far is liking tweets that parent shouldn’t bring their children into adult panels.

Then Vivziepop said this:

I don’t know if things changed now with their booths/panels but both booths and panels ideally should be strictly 18+ (ID included too obviously), so they avoid situations like how a 9-10 year old asked Blake Roman inappropriate questions or any other uncomfortable situations. For Helluva Boss, Vivziepop could actually age restrict but if she does that she would lose more viewers.

Adult fans grooming minors have definitely happened. For example, an Anon mentioned their concerns regarding adult fans encouraging minors to ship ValAngel and how it happened to them. Luckily their friends got them out of that situation.

Right now at the moment there haven’t been any allegations of any Spindlehorse employees being groomers. I’ve only heard of drawing incest and rape fetishization. But only time will tell. Either way, Anon hope you are doing better.

[genderqueerdykes]

I really enjoy your blog, and your mature insights on queer shit, and I'm glad you're prioritizing your health because that is so, so important. I know you've been told this already but yeah basically, I'm agreeing that you don't need to apologize, you don't owe anybody online anything.

thank you akjjdfklajlgk

i feel very guilty often times because this blog is how i earn my income and i've been treated like shit over it in the past. i've had close friends get upset with me for the fact that i have to ask for mutual aid because i don't "do enough to deserve it". i appreciate everyone and anyone who supports me so i don't want people to feel like i'm taking that for granted you know? i don't want people to think i ask for money without giving whatever i can in return. maybe that's just capitalism eating away at my brain but i tend to feel immense guilt for needing to ask others to help me stay afloat and not being around to help to make that worth it for those who support

i really appreciate you!! thank you for the kind words!!

[mlobsters]

taking the question in good faith, I will answer in good faith. saw people are being assholes in the reblogs about misha's appearance, which is bullshit, regardless of my feelings on him as a person.

appreciate the points above and will add some thoughts of my own. I went into the show knowing destiel was a huge and popular ship, but not knowing much else. I watched the show in a relative bubble over a year plus. I was already deeply invested in sam and dean's canonical relationship and the wincest ship side of things by the time castiel showed up. I had a friend that was waiting to hear my thoughts on him and it took me a long time to even have an opinion. and by the time I did, it tended toward negative. I liked when he was snarky and powerful but his characterization flip flopped all over the place episode to episode the longer he was on the show. as I was writing up my little recaps I would often boggle over how the show would talk about how dean and cas were best friends and so close, but I (and might be bold to say we the audience) never saw it. he just wasn't around much! supernatural, when it wants to make a point or a parallel, is not subtle about it. it will beat you over the head with their point. I guess the only thing they were hammering home to me was, we aren't gonna take the screen time to show it but these guys are tight, trust us! it was weird to me.

I wrote about my reaction to 15x18 here which was basically where flying fuck did that come from

the longer his character stuck around, the more it reminded me of derek on teen wolf. a fan favorite character that it felt like they didn't intend to have on the show for very long and didn't know what to do with. but the teen wolf run was much shorter and hoechlin left. and I also found some similarities in how popular the ship sterek was, they were similarly working with crumbs of canon. but I didn't see that fandom get weird about it the way certain factions of destiel fans did. maybe they did and just weren't as loud? or since I wasn't around when it was at its peak I didn't see it? but I never got the impression there was this full court press by some to convince people that the ship had roots in canon people were just missing.

I was really soured on supernatural fandom in general by how loudly anti-wincest a lot of people are, I used to go scrolling through the main tags and regularly bump into wincest dni on, you know, gifsets from the show. which is strange and also like okay, yeah. message received, I don't want to be feeling shitty and unwelcome just trying to look around. I understand it's a squick for some people, but I've never been around a fandom that was so loudly hostile to a ship unprovoked.

and equal opportunity souring, within non-destiel fans there's people that hate one of the brothers, making arguments how canonically abusive one of them is, etc. I think that's what a lot of it comes down to for me, headcanon being stated as canon fact. there's always wiggle room in interpretation but so many things are so far outside the show I watched, I just get all riled up which helps no one so I stay away from most show/character discussions at this point.

and if I wasn't already soured on destiel enough, some of things misha has said downright left me appalled. the "balls deep" homophobic cw bullshit comment, joking about jensen's "bdsm paraphernalia." I personally think if most anyone else on the cast talked like this at cons, they wouldn't be invited back. but I guess it's okay with everyone involved or whatever is going on there, so I just try to avoid misha related content in general.

it's a bummer that I'm missing out on destiel fic because there's so much of it, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I was rereading my sterek bookmarks recently (my personal favorite ship on teen wolf is scott/stiles but there's very little of it comparatively) and now that I'm out of the thick of my tw fixation period, I notice how out of character they often need to push to make the story work. and that's totally fine and cool, but the way my brain works, I'm much more interested and invested in the ship that I see reflected on screen. even while actively wanting and looking for the sterek potential in the show, there just wasn't much of it. that was the one thing that did surprise me, how little fans were working with. I love the creativity and the way they've made so much with so little.

so I'm sure I could have enjoyed destiel fic at one point in the same way I did sterek if I was never exposed to spn fandom outside of AO3.

these days I make stuff for fandoms and read fic, but otherwise don't really engage with other people's stuff. I follow a few spn people that I know I vibe with, but that's about it. I'm too literal minded in some ways and inflexible about certain things, it's just best I stay away from most stuff.

and I usually avoid engaging in this type of post too but guess I had some things that have been bubbling around my head for a while that I wanted to get out

Non Destiel Shippers, what stops you from shipping them?

What are the reasons you don't ship them? Im just curious, not looking for a fight.

[delqcate]

my blog is basically a ghost town so like the pick me i think i am i'm gonna rant 😋

[anothermonikan]

I see a lot of sentiment within techum spaces about not understanding how tech actually works and considering tech divine or whatever and like. I really do get it's pretty intimidating, but you can learn how your machines work. In fact I think a lot of you would appreciate your objects even more than you do by learning about how they actually function. Demystify tech in your minds NOW!!!

[kyouka-supremacy]

(╥﹏╥)

[amidnightqueery]

I don't hate my job or anything, but man, being a float educator is so fucking thankless

[nilesmoon]

infinite wealth if sawashiro said "who gives a shit about ebina im going to hawaii with ichi" and then the rest of the game is a family vacation

[mossbabie]

⏰

[jewishbuckley]

"was there a reason you didn't cancel this" honestly I thought I had so no there wasn't a reason but also if clients are going to have Your personal number and reach out to You about canceling (when they Should be reaching out via email per our cancelation policy) then You should be canceling the appt anyway imo. all the other trainers cancel their appointments AND add their appointments to the system 🤪

[practically-an-x-man]

I never realize how unevenly pigmented my skin is until someone has to put me in makeup lol